How to Make Your Own Jungle Jewelry

Note: This page contains several graphics - but they are worth the wait.

Chances are you may be the type who prefers to take matters political into your own hands rather than enlisting the services of a mercenary group such as GOLF. If so, you should find the following instructions useful.

First, look around your humble abode to see if you can find some useful items such as these:

[Two golf balls] Two golf balls [One knee-high nylon stocking] A nylon stocking [One tie-on package tag] A packaging tag

Properly combined, these items will come together like this:

[Photo of one pair of elephant testicles]

Simply drop the balls in the stocking, knot it about halfway up, and then tie the packaging tag between the knot and the balls.

Once you've done so you should address your package to:

The Honorable "Promissory Newt" Gingrich
Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives
Washington, DC 20515

Then simply apply $1.01 (circa 1995) in postage and drop your suggestion in the nearest mail box. We request that you mail your "Tee Bag" no sooner than April 15, 1995, nor any later than 24 hours after the moment you realize that the Republicans have no intention of restoring your right to keep and bear arms.

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